I stumbled into you
Though you were long there
Sitting under your willow ware
I never thought much of you, truly.

I still pinned up nicely
Not too nicely—didn’t want
To mistake a chat with a date—
And rocked up to find you
In your fine-ironed dress
Sitting, waiting
‘For only five minutes, maybe less.’

We chatted just about nothing
—I can’t remember, really—
We sat sipping and
Your eyes were locked on that plate
That jetting looks confirmed
Was safe to take
So when our margaritas came
‘No, it was never here’
We told the guy in the ugly headgear.

The July hours tipped into the dark
Frozen ambitions waited to be stirred
From silence, your voice leapt
‘You live close, right?’
And indifferent, I nodded
‘And what colour’s your wine?’
The wrong tint, I bet
‘In that case, we’ll take a taxi to mine.’

We took the first driver that came
Stopping just once for cranberry juice
We crossed the lights, chatted blindly
Till we made it to your gate
Walking in, through the locks, door on the left
We planted on the couch
Cranberry vodka on stone coasters
You lay out the cards
And with half-closed eyes, you pretended
To read my stars.

Then the quiet fell over us
Our eyes skirted here and there
‘What were you expecting from today?’
Nothing, actually, but you really were nice
We took quick sips
Kissed
And you straddled my lap
When the door creaked open—
(Our chatter had disturbed your roommate)
‘Okay, sleep tight’
And we got back to business—
‘But this won’t just be for tonight.’

That next morning, you treated me
To some lovely green coffee-tea
And we cuddled for a little while
Before we rose, and you drove us
To my favourite spot for brunch.
At the other side of the table, I saw you
For the first time outstanding
Yet still not startling my core.
We took our orders, a coffee and galette each
And, with a kiss, you drove off to the beach.

Our next spot was the theatre
An improv comedy of sorts
We chimed for a minute after work
Sipping a quick pint I couldn’t finish
The show was good, the first act great
And after, uncertain, we went to your place
Splattering out on the sheets
I still didn’t feel naked
We finished, I felt meagre
You clasped your hand in mine
Scarce words of weight came from your lips
‘It’s okay. These things take time.’

Because I’d been cold for a while then
Like ice dragged across naked skin
Convinced cruel solitude was my burden
A man on the outside, looking in.

But we tried, as you’d promised
It was all I could’ve asked for
An outlet for this energy I feel
For the invisible other
A trick of the light to make me
Think I could actually be accepted
So that when we hugged
I drew up the illusion that fit
And although you held those same cold arms
When you asked me
I said I was happy.

We made weekends from our dates
So suddenly, but we both knew
What we chose to know. We baked pie
On one of them, made misshapen pigs
Kissing beneath a starry sky on a
Bloated meadow, and you gave me
A kiss any time I said a bad pun.
The next afternoon we went shopping
Came back and built bricks
To decorate your fireplace.
On the last night when we lay on your bed
You said words that almost crumbled me
‘I’m really happy you didn’t kill yourself
When you were a teen.’

The next weekend, you got your cat
A couple-week-old refined gent
Wearing a tux that fit just right
For his shiny eyes. When unleashed
His scraggly scarpers scratched the floor;
Slipped between the bookshelf and the wall;
Leapt to cling carpets on the couches;
Bit no-socked toes without rest.
An enemy of cables, he hunted
He crouched, primed, pounced
And missed the glowing red beam with his beans.
When it came time, and naming became the matter
‘What to call my hooligan? Scoundrel? Rascal?’
I preferred the latter.

We walked together through streets
Made sushi, went to galleries
—One was alright, another a great bore—
Spotted birds on walks in the park
Watched cartoons and played bubble games
Many times, your goodmornings and nights
Were the highlight of my day
As I solved noon puzzles as best I could.
We had a quiet day and bought cat food
Watched quick climbs till the afternoon
(The one I starved you)
And I even made you a funny food review.
When the first concern began to flicker
And we gave ourselves some time
We saw each other next Friday
And things seemed fine.

That was when I asked you
First through laden lids, then in the morning
The happy question. You looked away at first
—I thought I saw your score—
Then you looked back and said
‘Yes. No one’s ever asked me that before.’

That was the last time we saw each other
Over crappy crème brûlée and bubble tea
That Monday, I skipped from my appointment
And told you as much
‘I got to talk about my amazing girlfriend’
From your end, a quiet hush.

We were struck soon, I think, but I still doubt
What a different summer could have spelt
It wasn’t quite love, but it still burnt
When I picked up the phone, my eyes wet
And heard the echoes of your crying
‘I’m sorry, but I’m just not over him yet.’

14.XI.24